After two failed attempts at re-living my ‘Party Days’ I have decided to take off my heels, sling them over my shoulder and call it a day. (then go home and put on my grey trackpants and my husband’s socks) Those who now me may say why? You’re still young? Well after two nights out in the last few weeks, I’ve seen enough to keep me going for another few years.
So here they are…the things that made me laugh @………………. The bar
Farting, Drunk Courtesan : My friend and I were approached on a Dodgy nightclub dance floor by a man who was so drunk he had involuntary eye closure, and a shoulder that had obviously fallen victim to his nineteenth beer and was now scraping the floor. The drunk shoulder sloping was so profound that you did even look down at his hand to see what he was holding. He then piped up with his most charming slur ‘ Waaaart are yeeeewwwww two ladies doin on ya own?’ To which we informed him our husbands were at the bar. He then released the most vicious and vile fart, staggered on the spot, then blamed us for the said fart, referred to us as ‘stinky’ then left the scene of the crime. Now I know we are no longer the ‘Belle’s of the ball, but I also don’t believe we have hit our ‘fartworthy’ years either.
Young 18 year old on her first night out: You’ve seen her. She’s never really been out, never even really watched Video Hits because of the partial nudity. Just started her Bachelor of Arts, borrowed her mums red frock and hasn’t quite worked out how to dress in the city. Dancing provocatively but in a ‘I’ve just escaped the cult and I’m making up for lost time’ type of way. It was so bad, but for some reason you just had to keep watching. Should we stop her? Or should we buy her another drink?
3. Over confident, underwhelming middle aged man who after being turned down, gets nasty and calls you a stuck up cow. Mmmm….or we just have no reason to speak with you? There are certain conversations in life that can easily be identified as pointless, meaning you can tell pretty early that you will gain nothing from the interaction so are better off putting it down quickly. A bit like a much loved family pet, it is more humane to stop the pain immediately, rather than listen to dribble for the next ten minutes only to have it all end up in tears.
4. Over apologetic drink spiller: Pretty self -explanatory. Spills fourteen litres of beer on your foot then spends the next 20 minutes apologizing in fear a fight will break out.
5. Under apologetic drink spiller: More annoying than his over apologetic counterpart because they are more upset about having to line back up at the bar again than they are about turning your top into a possible candidate for a wet t-shirt competition.
5. 50 year old woman who has been separated from work colleague’s but is having such a great time decides to find ‘new mates’ so she doesn’t have to go home. It doesn’t really matter who they are or how old they are but proceeds to tell them how much she loves them.
6. Drunk friend: The one who reveals intimate embarrassing details about their innermost feelings but who will have no memory of even eating her entrée at the dinner beforehand. Usually followed up by a regretful, early morning text which they hope will give some indication to the extent of their behaviour ‘I hope I wasn’t too bad last night?’ I ‘m sure we have all been this person.
I admit It was fun. I still love to get dressed up and have a dance with the girls. But now I fear my fun is had at the expense of others, when years ago…it was me spilling the drinks. I also look at my husband and feel so lucky that I no longer have to prowl the night scene looking for love, because let’s face it, most people are just out looking for that someone special and this is why they turn into vulnerable embarrassing humans, because love makes you vulnerable. This is why going out partying loses its glamour when you’ve already found him or her and they are a million times better than anyone you will meet at a bar (unless of course you did meet at a bar). I look beside me (or will when he gets home) and feel content that we have already found each other. I love him when he’s here and miss him when he’s gone. (Just in case he does read this on his way home, I’ll already be asleep….. I love him even more when he sorts the kids out in the morning and lets me sleep)