My ‘Loudest’ Fears for Monday

Ever since I was a child, I can recall being fearful.  From an early age I remember needing to hear mum and dad in the next room in order to fall asleep, as the quiet, still of the night would scare the life out of me. The trees waving outside the window became people and the howl of the wind would petrify me as it beat down on my window. Luckily for most people fear is an emotion that after childhood, melts away to a subtle sense of nervousness.

For some people,  fear never leaves, it just changes with time and experience.  As a child my fears were simplistic and could easily be resolved….as an adult my fears change with the times until they are either realized or dismissed. Someday’s my fears are sleepy, laying dormant at the back of my mind. Other days they are aggressive, shouting so loudly that you can not ignore them.

So my aggressive little friends win over  today. I see writing as an extension of my mind….so here they are…my ‘loudest‘ fears for Monday!

As a mum I fear for my children. I want them to be forever safe, forever loved and forever perfect. I fear the day that I can not take away their pain and when I can’t fix their tears with a kiss. Today I was scared my son would wander away from the playground and I wouldn’t get to him in time. I fear that love is the the greatest curse. To be given the love of someone so special, and then every second  fearing it be taken away.

As a wife I fear for our longevity. I want our happiness to last forever and for us to never take each other for granted. For us to remember exactly how we feel about each other today….and carry this with us in our pockets, to be pulled out again when we ever feel hopeless. I want my husband to be happy in his work and in his home life and for him to go on being a great dad for my boys, he is their hero. 

As A Teacher I fear for my students. Will I give them everything they need to lay strong foundations? Will they go on to be the very best version of  ‘them’ they can be. I want them to believe in themselves. I want to uncover the gift in each child, and make every child feel ‘gifted’.

As a daughter I fear for my parents. I want them to be happy and healthy as they approach their ‘slow down’ years. I want them to feel no pain. I want them look back with fondness and not regret. I want them to be friends and remember they loved each other once.

As A Sister I fear for my brother and his wife, I want them to follow their dreams, but return to us safely and share in our lives. I fear with them gone, I am missing my greatest mates.

As a friend I fear that I am sometimes too busy. Have I missed  their lowest day? I fear for friendships lost over silly things I can’t now recall. Is it too late?

My greatest fear…is fear itself, and the fear that it will last forever. Exhausting, consuming and loud.

It will never stop. I know this as  I watch my eighty year old  Grandad still fighting with fear. Watching him with my sons. I see that his greatest fear is simply ‘not being’ there’ he is scared to die and fearful of leaving this world and his family for a place that is uncertain. Despite being a deeply religious man, no one can remove this fear for him.  Such a great man who has lived an honourable life….. clearly destined for somewhere great..

…if he is fearful, then God help the rest of usImage, marriage

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One thought on “My ‘Loudest’ Fears for Monday

  1. These fears are normal considering the world as it is compared to when you were brought up, there was no fear of letting your kids climb a tree, or play in the street and mix with the neighbours, your first pice of technology was probably a Donkey Kong…..today we have the exposure of the Worldwide web. I for one fear for the kids of today.

    I’m sure you will stay connected to your true friends, I personally have a friend back from my schooldays in blights that I only speak to occasionally but it is like we spoke last week.

    As for your parents I’m sure they would often think fondly of each other and remember their good times together with you all as a family. Their love for each other may have been lost but their deep love for you remains and Im sure they can still communicate on a friendly level when they meet up. Their relationship brought you and your brother into the world and they would feel blessed.

    although your grandad may feel fear in his salad days, he would also feel proud that his family will live on with the characters and morals that he instilled in his family and that they live the wonderful lives that he dreamed for them all.

    Life is full of fear, but don’t let it stand in the way of your life and dreams!

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