Many of our great procrastinations in life come from our fear of the unknown. We spend more time worried about the 4000 things that could happen but probably won’t, as opposed to looking at the one or two possibilities that statistics would tell us are ‘most likely’. So much so that we ultimately end up in the worst possible position of having never tried anything, or always wondering ‘what if?’. So this week I decided it was time to stop ‘procrastinating’.
Over the past few months I’ve been pulled quite powerfully back to my past. Since having Sam I find myself remembering times gone by, friends who have come and gone and the moments that have shaped me and delivered me safely to this exact point in life that I like to call ‘ happy’. The confusing part about delving into the past, is remembering the great times and great people, but not quite remembering why they had to stop, or why they were no longer part of your life any more.
Two people in particular have been hanging around in my head for weeks. Two people who had played starring roles in my life, who had now dropped off my radar. I’m a big believer in ‘signs’. I believe we are constantly shown signs but we are so caught up in the blur that is life, that we miss what we are being shown. Sometimes they are subtle, and could perhaps be discounted as coincidence, but others are so violently being pushed in your face that you have to stop and take notice. This was the case for me on Thursday.
Three Years ago after the birth of my first son, I lost contact with one of my greatest friends. To this day I couldn’t pin point the exact point at which our friendship dissolved, and to be honest it is no longer relevant. The point is that this person was once my ‘other half’. She was the first person I would call most days and our plans always involved each other. It was rare that we wouldn’t call each other and say ‘what are we doing on the weekend’ It was assumed that we would be doing it together.It was in the quiet times,life’s intermissions, those moments either side of the ‘main acts’ that I would realize that I had never been able to truly ‘fill’ that space. Whilst I am surrounded by the most wonderful people, here and interstate, I am still only half the friend that I used to be. There is still half of my opinion not shared, half of my laugh not heard and half of my heart not open, because I always am very aware that the ‘replacements’ wont ‘get me’ the way she used to.
Why when others have filled such huge shoes in your life, is it so easy to put down tools and walk away? I often thought the same about couples who had spent years together as friends who obviously liked each others company so much that they shared children, who then could then cut off all communication. It’s not right that we would give more of our time to strangers than to people you once knew so intimately. The people who have the potential to hurt us the most are the ones that hold the key to our heart…not because they want to or intend to but because if it didn’t hurt, then it means you didn’t care in the first place.
Yesterday, after a million ‘signs’ and a chat with a friend I decided to go with the statistics. My friend reminded me of two important things. 1. Walk away from a friendship when they are a priority for you, but you are only an option for them and 2. You get a few friendships in life that feel like ‘home’, so if this was one of them, then give it a shot.
I decided to email her. Really, if we weren’t speaking anyway, there was nothing to lose. If she didn’t reply, or it was no longer her email address, then I was in the same position as when I had started…still not speaking!
So I did, it. I pushed ‘send’ on an email that had been hanging in the drafts for days. It turns out her old email address was still active…..and the good news is I look forward to catching up with her properly when I’m next in Adelaide. I know our lives have changed since we last met, and I would like to think that life pulls us where we need to be in order to meet our fate…so that you attend that dinner where you will meet your future husband , or be in that room when your future boss offers you ‘that’ job. I would like to think that this was all that happened with us.
I don’t know what will come of it, or where this story will end, but even if I didn’t see her for another 10 years, It feels great to know she is there again.