Where have you been?….I’ve had ‘cantbebothered-itis’

It has been a shamefully long time between blogs, but it seems my allergic reaction to writing has come to an end. Maybe it’s the ‘Christmas’ in me, or perhaps the guilt of seeing out the year without one more entry,  but either way I’m here, and here it is.

So much has happened since last I wrote, the small things, the big things then the truly life changing things too. There are those moments in life where you stop and take a deep breath in your own silence and think to yourself ‘ This is one of those times’ . By ‘those times’ I mean the things that happen to us (good or bad) that go on to become major clips in our ‘life highlights reel’. I always imagine that when we die we are given a bucket of popcorn, large coke and are asked to watch a highlight package of the life we led…in Gold Class of course, and no you don’t have to share your popcorn. Some of the clips we choose to include, like falling in love, births, successes and happy times, and others are forced upon us, like heartbreak, illness, death and disappointment. It is safe to say I have made many moments this year, and this is why I think I have avoided this blog…because writing makes you confront your fears and realize your truths.

As the end of 2013 draws near, I wanted to document my inclusions to the highlight package for this year, just in case heaven needs help remembering when the time comes.

After spending a full year away from my son, working full time, we begin our ‘Gap Year’ together. Over the year we enrol in and try every activity known to man in an effort to make up for lost time. We realise his favourite place is with mum at the park, and it is free! I feel such resounding guilt at having missed a year with this beautiful little human. Next year, let’s continue to enjoy eating vegemite on toast, watching Peppa Pig and fighting about if you will be having a ‘sleep.

I have learnt that despite trying my hardest, I am never going to be ‘Playgroup Mum’. I am never going to care as much as they do about cake tins and still believe ‘The Cheesecake Shop’ will always present as a far superior option to anything I can make. I do shout at my son’s, but I always say sorry and kiss them straight after. I don’t always make my baby fresh food, and whilst it does worry me that a food item has an expiry date 3 years from now….when I surrender to time and energy I am guilty of using dirty little jars. At times I also really enjoy eating foods with artificial colouring and preservatives and am sick of feeling guilty about it. Oh, and my son is also allowed to eat chocolate occasionally.

My second child Sam is born this year. Life will never be the same. If we leave this earth tomorrow, my boys will have each other and this leaves me with peace. His smile lights up the room and his brother has finally accepted he is here and has stopped trying to bite him. (For now…or at least until we can no longer use ‘Santa watching’ as a threat.) If I am honest, I can enjoy this birth a little more, as I’m not as scared, not as tired and not as ‘perfect’.

The first of the ‘Dads’ passes away. My best friend loses her dad to cancer, reminding us all that we are now at the age where family and friends are not ‘forever’.

Within the fortnight, God calls his second great man for the month. My grandad Sean Mansfield is taken, but not without putting up his greatest fight to date. I don’t really know what to say about him, because I still haven’t realized he has gone but also because some people have such ‘outstanding highlights’ that to choose one would be an injustice. My last memory of him is looking up to the altar at my son’s christening and me catching his eye in the congregation. It was a ‘freeze’ moment that seemed to last a lot longer than it actually would have to everyone else, I remember this being ‘one of those moments’.  He couldn’t hear a word of what was going on, but I know that he didn’t care, because at least he was there. I have so much more to write more about him, but that’s a blog for another day.

My boss called me during the funeral, and offered me a part time position for next year. This is my dream job, and will allow me to do ‘what’ I love as well as still being with ‘who’ I love for most of the week. It is time to go back to work, I really think my eldest is sick of me and needs some time to miss me.

Last week I thought I was going to lose my little baby boy. After an accident at the park, he took a turn for the worst and my husband and I found ourselves screaming at the roadside, cradling our son in our arms while we waited for the ambulance. I remember people just walking by, carrying on with what they were doing, and not caring that my baby was falling asleep in front of us. This was the longest wait of my life, and I sincerely hope that this was also the worst day of my life as I don’t think I could handle anything worse. Every night I am dreaming about losing him, and wake up searching for him in my bed. I don’t trust myself anymore and don’t think I can go back to the park. The next day, when the dark clouds had passed, there he was smiling, completely unscathed, with the only evidence of his fall, a tiny graze on his nose. We will carry the scars of his fall for life, just as every other mum and dad have in the years gone before us. In some small way, I don’t want us to forget this, because then we will again start taking life granted, and worrying about things that will never worry about us. Who cares if he whinges, who cares if you haven’t slept, he is awake and he is alive.

After looking at his ‘big boy’ bike for months, My eldest son finally rode down our hallway (no we didn’t complain) shouting ‘I did it, I did it’. He also started wearing no nappies to bed, my first little baby has become a little boy. This week he also told me that he was going to marry me….I will remind him of this when he is 18.

Not the happiest, or most exciting blog but it was one I had to write to get life off my chest. Sometimes your shoulders get heavy, and there’s nothing wrong with shaking them off and letting the crap fall down around your ankles.

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6 thoughts on “Where have you been?….I’ve had ‘cantbebothered-itis’

    • Thanks:) I think every parent goes through one of these ‘shitty times’, It’s funny no one tells you this when you have your baby…. Lifetime of worry! But when you’re given someone that you love so much, you spend the rest of your life petrified of having that love taken away.

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