When you work in schools or large office environments it is without doubt that you have encountered an ‘awkward shared toilet moment’. As a teacher in a large school, each trip to the toilet is an odd time, usually consisting of some controlled weeing pressure, loud talking or vigorous toilet paper ripping as a disguise to muffle the noise.
Really when you begin to think about the logistics, whose bright idea was it to force relative strangers into the same tiny space to carry out their most ‘private’ business? Whilst I am intimate enough to share a wave with Wendy from the front office as we pass for the tenth time in the hallway, I certainly don’t want Wendy becoming a front row fan at my one woman toilet show.
In some ways I admire those who can enter the shared toilet space and proceed as they would normally do at home. These toilet warriors have no shame what so ever and are happy just to let it all go, sharing their acoustic wee melody with all occupants. This person also doesn’t mind adding the occasional bottom burp to the mix. They figure, Hey, It is a toilet after all?
Then there are those who take the cautious approach. They engage in polite yet pointless conversation over the cubicles in a not so discreet way to drown out the sound of the job at hand. Not sure I feel comfortable discussing report cards and children while reaching for the loo roll.
What about the visitor who suffers from cubicle performance anxiety. This occupant enters at the same time as others but cannot proceed with business until the other person has at least started flushing the toilet.
Some clever ladies out there who listened carefully to their doctors after giving birth are able to use the toilet to show off their amazing pelvic floor strength. These women are able to control the pressure and therefore the overall volume with more precision than a Foxtel remote. I applaud these strong and disciplined women, for I will never be one. I suspect I am headed for the ‘Nanna Nappy’ before the age of 50.
My favourite toilet tales over the years have undoubtedly come from those who were suffering from ‘emergency’ toilet situations, with the consequences so disastrous they have had to wait in the cubicle until the room had cleared in an effort to avoid owning the‘pu-nami’. These poor souls, who are often experiencing the aftermath of a good curry have no time to employ the wit and caution of the above occupants. It is do or die. It is the ‘emergency’ occupant who will also need to go one step further and sit with their legs tucked up to their chins so as to avoid the ‘shoe identification’ strategy. You know when you have a been a disgusted spectator and it is so bad that you can’t help but look at the shoes peering from under the door to see who it is that is struggling so badly in the cubicle. You walk out, sit at your desk then check every pair of shoes that leave the toilet for the next ten minutes hoping to positively I.D the ‘one’. The sole purpose of identification is of course to share the story with close colleagues and perhaps assign a completely unfair nickname to the owner of the black pointed heels.
Lastly, I have also encountered my fair share of women who are too stupid to ensure that cubicles are empty before they begin a full scale bitch session about a co-worker. First rule of gossiping is 1. Don’t do it 2. If you must, then at least check for feet! Ignore this simple rule and you deserve to be caught.
There are so many more stories to share on this unsavoury topic, but I will leave the rest to you guys.
So don’t be shy, what toilet stories have you been keeping to yourself?