Why Rooms Get Smaller and Heroes Must Fade Away

 

 

Last week at school was our Sports Carnival. It is always a fantastic day for the children and for the staff. It is one of those days when the barriers between students and teachers dissolve, it becomes house team against house team and for a small moment in time we are our student’s peers. Our Academically weak shine on the sports field, and for that one  day of the year they become ‘Top Of The Class’. It is also a day that proud mums and dads line the sidelines to catch a glimpse of their son or daughter, most taking time off from a busy day at work, to support their little person as they run what seems like the longest race in the world. 

One older sibling had come to support his brother, after having left primary school several years ago he as enjoying his trip down memory lane. He approached us teachers in the tents for a chat and a catch up. One thing he said has remained in my thoughts every day since we spoke.

 ‘I remember my last sports day here, but the oval seemed so much bigger than it is today’. Of course in reality the oval had never changed, but the young boy who once ran here had turned into a man. His body had matured, his perceptions had changed and his ‘present’ had become reflective of his current circumstance, he was now an adult.

It got me to thinking about how as children we must experience growth and change in order for us to move forward as well adjusted adults and with this change, comes an acceptance of adult truth.  Yeah sure it was warm there, it was safe there in our minds while looking at aspects of our life through a child- like lens, but this lens is not reality, it is not what is ‘real’. We protect our children from the evils around us by allowing them to use this ‘lens’, because without it, people are just a bunch of pretty shit adults who practice little of what they preach, and for at least 18 years we want to help shield them from the truth. The Tooth Fairy, Santa, fake phone calls to the police when you try and con your son into owning up to a petty theft,  it is all part of this rite of passage.

I look back on my childhood and how lucky I was to have many heroes in my life. As a little girl I remember looking to these people as the light on my garden path, I looked to them for truths and in the most part modelled my own adolescent morality on what I was ‘taught’ was the right way to think and believe. At the time, through my ‘lens’ they were one hundred percent an authority on life and living. Sadly, as age and maturity would have it, with each birthday I clocked, a little more of the lens became cloudy. Each year a little more hurt, a little more let down, a little more tired of waiting, a little more ‘used’. The invisible cloaks that those close had held up to protect us slowly but steadily fell to the floor, what we thought were our foundations had become complete bullshit and replaced with not so nice things and not so nice people. There will always be those in our childhoods who claim high morality,  who are quick to condemn those not living up to the high standard they are faking for themselves, but soon enough  ‘reality’  has to step out of the shadows. Rooms become darker, days become longer, school ovals became smaller and heroes must fade away to nothing. 

There are of course those who for whatever reason choose to stay living as ‘children’ and ignore this passage of truth. Blaming others as a child would, feeling a sense of entitlement, manipulating loved ones around them as a child would,  throwing their toys from the pram as a child does and making choices with no regard for consequences- as a child does. For these people you can only hope that in their lucid hours, they can still remember what is real, what is the truth, for it is only when we are truly alone that we are left with what is ‘truly’ right. You can lie to others, but you can never successfully lie to yourself.  Maybe in those hours when the consequences of the ‘victim’ mentality’ are the loudest thoughts in their minds, they can see that it is actually an impossibility in life – that on every occasion it was always  someone else’s fault, maybe just one or twice being ‘right’ should have come second….and yet because of all of this they choose not to see that they are still loved, because it easier this way. 

If you are lucky, losing this childhood perception is hopefully your first real encounter with grief. Once you learn to accept that it isn’t really ‘anything you have really lost’ but more ‘what never really was’ you can move forward and try be the best adult and parent you can be.

To my dear boys, whilst I can never promise to keep you from the truth, I can always promise you this:

As a mum now I know that it should never be my child’s job to carry and protect me, but always my job to carry and protect my children. It doesn’t matter how old I get, or where life takes us……my love for you is paramount. There will never be anyone more important in a mother’s life than her own children, and nor should there be, for the intentions of those not in blood, can never be as pure. You will never have to wonder if I choose ‘you’, for the answer will always be…..yes.

 

 

Better late than never…VBA Award Post

 

 

It has taken me a week or two but have finally found some free time to respond to an ever so thoughtful nomination for a VBA or Versatile Bloggers Award (yes, I know..sounds suspiciously like an acronym for a visible underwear warning or dirty disease) . I am not claiming to be ultra busy or anything, just that Reality TV is so good at the moment, I just couldn’t pull myself away from The Box. Why must they start EVERY good show in the same month at the same time! (yes I realize I am sounding very much the 14 year old right now) 

I must be completely honest and admit in the past I have failed miserably when nominated for any of the Blogging awards. The cut and past part just seems to be so much bother (..lazy right?) and then before you know it, weeks have past and you’ve forgotten to do it. So last week a little birdy tweeted a VBA nomination my way, and there was nowhere to run. This little birdy was the ultra talented writer/ mummy/ wife and knower of all things wine mammasvida.com.au. Head over to her page for some good, honest observations on life, wine, food, parenthood and the world game.

So the conditions of this grand prize require me to share seven things that you might not know about me, and despite my tendency to over share, this part was really tricky, So Here goes.

1. I am a terrible, terrible, terrible  nail biter. Yes I hear you…I may as well lick a toilet bowl- sadly this doesn’t turn me off it, nothing could. This addiction gets so bad that I will sometimes have  false nails put on to give my actual nails a break from the abuse. Worse still is that I also make it my nights mission to chew the Acrylic ones off too. I even had falsies put on the day before I was due to give birth, and managed to chew them all off  and spit them around the labour ward like little pink bullets, all within the first hour of arriving at the hospital. 

2. I once had a romantic dream about ‘Ridge’ from the Bold and The Beautiful. Yes that’s right ..the original Big Man of Forrester Creations, Ron Moss. I was even embarrassed for myself when I recalled this horrid event the next day. I don’t even find him attractive in real life, so I really don’t now how this occurred. Come to think of it, I’m still a little embarrassed now. 

3. Candles, candles and more candles. I just looooooooove them. Don’t care from where, what, how much, the smell, the colour, the vessel, whatever….just light them up baby! This was even going to be my ‘failed’ business idea no.3 ‘ making and selling soy candles’ but as you may have read in my last post…..my business sense is not my greatest asset. 

4. I use to lick the flavouring from Chicken Crimpy’s and BBQ shapes and put them back in the box. …can’t really defend this revolting revelation, the more details given, the more incriminated I will become.

5. I am a socially awkward idiot. Despite previously enjoying a busy social lifestyle and occupation, I have always experienced a great deal of anxiety in social situations. I am usually nervous for days leading up to events involving meeting new people and then end up trying to over compensate, saying something unintentionally offensive and spend the following week in a shame spiral wishing I could rewind and take my foot from my mouth. My awkwardness I am sure has at times been misinterpreted as standoffishness…when inside I am really shitting myself with nerves. However, after countless school assemblies, am totally okay speaking in front of hundreds of strangers, particularly about topics such as 1. toilet paper on the roof of boys toilets, sandwiches hidden in toilets and children looking under toilet doors. Seems I’m your ‘go to girl’ for all things toilety.

6. I have a burning desire to visit Pompeii. Since my Year 9 teacher showed me pictures of this amazing place as a teenager, I have always longed to visit. There is just something so amazing about a civilization frozen in time, with little warning. A little childhood obsession, that I hope will come to fruition one day. Actually as they say, youth is wasted on the young. Why is it when you travelled as a teenager, the pub was a more attractive option than the Vatican? I would love to travel again through ‘adult’ eyes. There is so much of the world that I wished I had of experienced with my husband, I guess our time will come again in a few years.

7. I have NEVER seen the movie ‘Dirty Dancing’. This one is truly horrific. Apparently it is up there with the the worst sins against women born in the 70’s /  80’s. Most people can not believe this and are actually driven into a rage of disbelief upon me revealing this secret.  It is now my life’s goal to avoid seeing this movie for as long as humanly possible. There is no real explanation either, I just haven’t. 

So there you have it, I am sure some of these are more of a surprise than others. 

Now, as I have been bouncing around in Blogger’s World avoiding these awards for some time, I am too embarrassed to nominate fellow Blogger’s in case I nominate someone who I have forgotten to respond to. Apologies.

So instead, Now that I have exposed myself…it is your turn. Come on and share the one thing about you that many people would not know?

Have a great week!

 

 

Gold Coast Marathon (well almost)

My nerves are gone (just for now) and the excitement has come to town. Today I collected my race number for the Gold Coast Marathon. Yes I hear the shock, well take back some of your gasp, I am only running the half marathon but to me it is the ‘Big One’.

After years of wanting to do it, this past January I finally plucked up the courage to enter. It was actually one of my new year’s resolutions but despite paying the entry fee months ago, (much to husband’s disgust ‘what do you mean you pay to run on the road? Do it the weekend after for free’) up until today it wasn’t really tangible, it was just another distant idea mixed up with all the other really great ideas I’ve had in the past such as:
No 1. Selling bathers (togs for you northerners) at Cararra Markets. This was a momentous flop. We sold two pairs, one to a friend of mine who was obviously embarrassed for us and another lady who I am certain was still drunk from the night before. We actually came out at a loss because we spent our profit on 79 coffees and a dodgy bacon and egg roll. Needless to say I still have a bag full of ‘girls’ bathers in my cupboard, and as luck would have it, I have two boys.
One of my dear friends: ‘Why does she buy Sienna bathers for her birthday and Christmas and Easter every year? Weirdo!
No. 2. This one more recent (as in right now) so I can’t even mock myself. Buying cushion covers from Chinese supplier who promised to get hold of any design you sent her. Unfortunately none of the 743 designs she had resembled anything slightly worth buying, so because I felt sorry for her bought ten of the least ‘Chinese New Year’ looking covers available. We had 5 Views on Ebay in 4 weeks, 4 of which were actually my husband and I checking the listing. FYI there auction is still open on Ebay, so hop on, don’t be shy, plenty left to choose from.

So my goal of running the half is almost here, no longer an idea but an actual event. The timing has never been right, between pregnancy, recovery, breast feeding, lazy, lazy, scared, pregnancy, fat again and recovery, there was always something standing in my way. Isn’t it the strangest feeling when that ‘something’ you have been working towards, training for, saving for or wishing for finally comes within reach. After Seven months of training and many more years of just wanting to do it, On Sunday I can finally tick my ‘something’ off my list.

Since being a chubby little 13 year old who turned up one Saturday morning to try Little Athletics, so started my love of running. For a small moment in time, no one can get to you, it is just you and your thoughts. When you leave the house in a shitty mood, you return home with all of the answers you’ve been looking for. I will still run most days when this race is over but I’m feeling a little sadness almost as if I’m about to lose a friend. I also feel a little lost. Where do you go once you’ve achieved your goal? Of course I have many more on the go (travel, study, work, life and family) but for a runner, the half / marathon is the ultimate. Maybe the London marathon? NYC Marathon? I really have always looked at full marathon runners and thought ‘why would you do that? It’s actually ?%$@# outrageous that you would want to run that far’. But who knows how I will feel after crossing the line, where to from here?

So what is your personal goal? What did you do when you finally ticked it off that big list?
Can’t wait! See you on the other side 🙂