‘Old Year Reminders’ for a Happy New Year

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So here I am again, late December contemplating the year ahead. I have decided that New Years Resolutions are actually just bullshit. Romantic, fairy- dust coated goals spewed out from positive little mouths right after Christmas when the world is magical and we are feeling fat and remorseful. The very idea of committing to rectify ‘wrongs’ that you will inevitably fail at doing because you’ll forget what they were by January 2nd- is just ludicrous. Yes, and maybe because I have failed to resolve any of mine from last year I have decided to move the goal posts for this little new years game. Rather than dwell on what I need to change next year in a measurable goal typed manner, I’ve decided to wait until the year has already happened to write my ‘Old Year Reminders’ and carry these through to the next year. No risk of failure this way so here they are…

1. Do not make plans to meet up with people the day after you have planned ‘Dinner and a few drinks’. As going out is more rare an occasion than Christmas itself, dinner and drinks will certainly end in you hugging your porcelain friend for most of the next day. Having your son come in for a quick look  while you’re vomiting does in fact make you as bad as the man from the responsible alcohol commercials.

2. When you say to yourself ‘oh, I’ll just pop into the shops and grab some milk’, look at your sweet little boys and remember, it can only be milk that you are getting. Do not get over confident and start thinking you can just grab body wash, bread and cheese while you are there too. Remember that if you try to push the shopping trip 30 seconds past the suggested child shopping  limits that the angelic sweet looking boys will become animals. Loud, crying, screaming animals that cannot even be contained by the offer of a Chuppa Chup.

3. Relationships that are good and healthy are reciprocal. Good people are those who are still sitting besides you when there is nothing left to take, and nothing left to gain by being with you .They sit with you because they just couldn’t bare to be anywhere else. No one is keeping score- and if they are,  it’s only so they can lend you some points when you need them.

4. Holidays just aren’t holidays any more. It doesn’t matter how lovely it all sounds when you book it in, the children will not sleep, they will become ill, you will fight with your husband and resent every additional second of sleep that they receive that you don’t and you will return needing a holiday to recover from your holiday. The children will not look as happy as they do on the brochure and you will generally have to put up with at least two hours of torture while you travel to your destination. It is okay that your favourite holiday destination has become your own bed. Invest in a good mattress topper and sheet set and really ‘live it up’.

5. Don’t ever look at your phone and ignore a call from someone because you can’t be bothered. You have no idea how important that call might be to them. Just pick up, be honest and ask if you can call them back later.

6. None of the good things in my life came about easily. Anything really worthwhile has been and will continue to be hard work.

7. Enjoy the noisy house between 4-7pm. Someday soon there will be nobody home.

8. You will always spend the dollar you were hiding in your purse in preparation for needing a  trolley at Aldi. Just buy a $2 token for your key ring and don’t risk having to line up for 99 hours to buy one before you’ve even started your shopping. (Adelaide readers have all of this excitement ahead of you, remember my wise words.)

9. Deodorant, toothpaste and toilet paper  purchased at the Reject Shop just won’t be the same. It isn’t called the Reject Shop because of its reputation for high quality goods. The deodorant will smell like your uncles pants drawer, the toothpaste will taste like feet and the you’ll be poking more fingers  through the toilet paper than you would a pair of gloves. That is one form of paper you just need to be ‘strong’.

Remember that mistakes are bound to happen in 2015. It is just about how you move forward afterwards.Happy New Year to my friends and family. I hope it is everything you need it to be.

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Revised: The real list of things that men do to annoy women

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Last night my husband was scrolling through Twitter when I heard him laugh out loud. ‘Here you’ll like this one’ he called out, which usually means I will find it offensive in some way and that he is out to annoy me for the next 15 minutes. I must say 9 out of 10 times I will take the bait and launch into a discussion about why it is not funny to be looking at pictures entitled ‘Epic Drunken Fails’ or anything featuring overweight, naked people.  It turns out he was laughing at a post titled ‘The ten things men do to annoy women’.

Admittedly some items were true and clearly demonstrated the female tendency to change our minds depending on what day it is (lie to them, tell them the truth, speaking too much, speaking too little, being too nice, being too mean, breathing, not breathing) but it just goes to show that men still have no clue about what it is that they could be doing to make life a little easier for us.  It also proves that my husband knows exactly what to do to push my buttons and also knows what to do to make my life easier, so my question is, if they know what pisses us off – why don’t they just stop doing it?

So here is my list of things that men do to annoy women-Just in time for Christmas boys!

1. When men return home from their daily adventures, women will ask  ‘What did you get up to today?‘ or ‘Did you see anyone?’. The men say ‘no, nothing much and no, I didn’t see anyone’. Fast forward to a week later and we find out that not only did you see long lost Uncle Barry, but he is now marrying a circus performer and we are invited to the wedding. The men respond with ‘Didn’t I tell you?’ No you bloody didn’t. Just tell us what we need to know, WHEN we need to know it.

2. Women spend precious minutes deliberating over the best words to use when composing a text message to our loved ones, perhaps a few sentences of our deepest heartfelt sentiments or sometimes even a little argument. We see the little dots flashing (for you Iphone users out there) and get excited anticipating their reply, only to hear the beep…. and it reads ‘ok’. Um excuse me, I have just written you fourteen sentences and asked 4 questions, how the hell have you just answered with ok?

3.Men please don’t reply to arguments about housework equity, with ‘I do the gardens and I empty the bins’. These events occur monthly and weekly. The dishes are daily, the washing is daily, 2 x baby carrying=18 months hard time. We will put up no fight should you ever wish to swap. And yes we realise the reason you don’t ask to swap is because you ‘know’ exactly what’s happening here.

4. Wetting the babies Head: Are you guys serious? What part of your participation in this grand event are we celebrating? This has got to be some type of sick joke. You are going to try and convince a fat, hormonal and tired new mother who has just spent 18 hours in labour that it is YOU that deserves the beer and the slap on the back.

5. Men who get out of bed last and wonder why the bed is not made when they’re preparing to get back into it at night. Because it is sooooo easy to make the bed while you are still sleeping in it. I have never met a woman who says ‘ I just love getting up at 5 every morning with the kids so we can sit and watch you sleep so peacefully.

6. Food shopping is not actually just OUR job. You do help to eat the food and we are well aware that when you are sent to shop that you purposely buy the wrong products in order to deem yourself an ‘unreliable shopper’ who will never be asked to go again. My name is not Susan, I do not wear an apron, apply my lippy before you get home or live in the 1950’s.

7. If we have just spent an hour getting ready to go out, we want to be told we look great.

8. Do not ever see the petrol light come on and think, ‘I can’t be bothered, she can get it on her way to work in the morning’. This is never an ‘Ok’ thought to have. She will NEVER enjoy filling the car up with petrol and will not feel exhilarated by trying to run the gauntlet before the car conks out on the side of the road.

9. Male toilet behaviour. I am merely pointing out that it isn’t the ladies who wee’s under the toilet lid.

10. As soon as our phone rings and we speak our first words, you all of a sudden want to ask us questions. Very loud, important and urgent questions that couldn’t possibly have been asked in the 9 hours leading up to the phone call. Stop it, just wait.

11. Don’t fall asleep on the couch holding the remote control and then as soon as we are able to prize it away and get it onto the Real Housewives, wake up like some one has stolen your cat declaring ‘ I was watching that’.You were sleeping, relinquish control of the remote. Also stop trying to flick through channels during the ads of our favourite shows, you will never be able to get the timing right.

I must point out that the above ‘ annoying acts’ are not based on my own husband. Whilst this is not a true story, some characters have been inspired by real life events. However if my husband IS reading please stop leaving your drinking glass on the uneven part of the sink. It will never ever balance there. You choose the one part of the ample sized sink to balance a glass, knowing it will fall into the sink every time. Please just put it in the dish rack provided!

When I started writing list, I thought I would be here for hours. Turns out men aren’t so bad. But really guys, just get on board!