A letter to beautiful bride to be

Next week my family will fly down to Adelaide for the wedding of one my best childhood friends.

Milly is like the last man standing in our friendship group. She is the last of our high school friends to get married, and to be quite honest, neither of us thought she would ever see this day. But here we are a week out from her big day and I am overfilled with excitement, love and good memories of my beautiful friend.

Out of all of my friends, I have never seen such an amazing personal transformation. She rolled up to our Year eight Indonesian lesson with fire engine red hair, an Adidas Tracksuit (which was not even remotely similar our school uniform) and a bad attitude. I still have images of her swearing and flipping the bird at our teacher as she was kicked out of her first ever class. Ours was the third high school she had attended in as many terms. Kicked out of all of them for truancy and bad behaviour. After attending a well-known private school, it always surprised me that it was at our dodgy state high school that Milly found her way, and took her first steps in becoming the fabulous woman she is today.

After a terrible start to her high school years, and a topsy turvy home life living between 4 different houses at any one time, Milly seemed to find a home and some sense of belonging at Parafield Gardens. She made good friends and encountered some amazing teachers who were able to support her for the remainder of her high school years. It was in Year 12 that our Science teacher paid for Milly to submit a late application for university. Milly still believes it was the kind actions of this teacher that changed her future. To this day, it is stories like these that make me proud to be a teacher.

She went on to become an amazing, compassionate and skilled Primary School Educator. The best laugh was when in her first year of university she was paired for an assignment with the daughter of our old Math Teacher. On finding out his daughter was hanging out with Milly he replied ‘Stay away from her’. Needless to say that when she did turn up to his lesson, she was less than a model student.

So as my friend is an only child and I am her bridesmaid, I asked if I could speak on her behalf at the wedding.

This is what I wanted to say:

Milly I just wanted to start by saying how absolutely beautiful you look tonight, and thankyou to Domenic for allowing me to share in your special day. Milly, I have had the pleasure of having you in my life for 23 Years. During this time we have laughed together, drank together, cried together and grown together. I never once questioned if distance would be a barrier to our friendship. Some years ago, before You met Mr M, I recall a younger but sadder version of you saying ‘I’m never going to get married’, and I looked at you and said ‘yeah, you will, you just haven’t found the right man yet’. At that point in your life, you did not believe me.

 After a good night out at the Casino, you told me you had met Domenic, and I could tell even over the phone that you had met your ‘Tony Soprano’. For the first time there was a respect, there was a man who loved you as you were and seemed to put up with your sometimes ‘difficult’ behaviours. Whilst I had only met Domenic once or twice, I could tell he was a good man, the one to sort you out, the one to sit beside you as you grew old. Thankyou Domenic for making her shine.

 It probably isn’t tradition for the bridesmaids to speak, but then you have never been a one to follow the rules. You are technically an only child, but you have never been alone, you have always been my sister, and have always been a part of my family. As your sister, I am so proud of the woman you have become, and know that you are a better person with Domenic by your side. Be kind to each other, love each other. Remember the feelings you have today, lock them away in your pocket and hold on to them…it is these feelings that will keep you going when times get tough.

 I wish you both all the love and happiness in the world. Can we now raise our glasses once again to congratulate the new Mr and Mrs M…………..

 I know that Milly doesn’t read my blog, but just in case you bump into her…….sshhhhhh, don’t breathe a word, it’s a surprise.

P.s  – (I am also extremely excited that my husband will for the first time take our sons on the plane by himself. After years of telling me ‘it’s easy’ I wish him well. Though he would not admit it if he had struggled anyway! Men, Pfttt… )

What sort of ‘Phone Friend’ are you?

I don’t know about you, but I always seem to spend my ‘driving home from work time’ engaged in a team motivational meeting, attended only by myself, in only my brain, for only me to hear. Mostly my team meeting is a critique of my day, or a re-shuffle of  my To-do list, but as with any good meeting (even imaginary ones) there are some days I get a little bit distracted. Like today when I was trying to remember what I needed from the shops, until I noticed that a tree that I drive past regularly, actually has a naturally formed face on it that looks like ‘Alfred’ from the popular 80’s game Guess Who. I couldn’t believe it, I was so impressed. There are days that I arrive at my destination and cannot even remember how I got there let alone the fabulous ‘How I can earn money without even moving’ schemes I had thought of on the way.

Today while sitting at the traffic lights trying to avoid eye contact with the driver next to me as if we were in some sort of reverse ‘stare off’ I realised it had been nearly 5 months since I had last called a particular friend of mine. I was absolutely horrified. How could I have some much time pass by without just giving her a call? It was terrible. I immediately text her and arranged a good time for us to chat. As any mum would know, trying to call a friend with children is almost harder than trying to do a Rubic’s Cube without taking the stickers off and moving them. When your children are asleep, hers are awake, when you can talk she’s washing the floor or asleep, when you’re asleep, she can speak and so the cycle continues until you accidentally find a ‘good time’ to chat. But let’s back up a bit.

Why is it such an effort to speak to some people on the phone that it is easier not to call for months and risk missing some really life changing event in their lives? I have been giving this a bit of thought and have come up with the conclusion that all humans with a phone fall into a Phone Friend Category. Your phone category might be placing you unknowingly at the bottom of the phone a friend list.

So here they are:

Category A: This is the friend that you can call or text every day or two, with almost nothing of any importance to report. Usually a close friend who doesn’t mind your boring observations of who you just saw wearing no makeup at the shops, sports scores, or mundane convo’s about television shows. You can always just ring this person and have no shame in tell them that you’re getting off the phone now because you’re bored

Category B: This is the friend who you actually just call every month or so for a quick catch up and a laugh. They don’t care that you haven’t called, and nor do you. A low maintenance phone friend. You have also known this person for such a long time that you both know the score, but also both know you are there for the ‘big times’ in life, when the convo’s actually count. Convo usually is never too long to deter you from calling.

Category B.1 Same as Phone friend B but this friend actually does get annoyed that you haven’t called and has been holding their own private stand off that only they know about, where they have been waiting to see how long it would take you to call them…because you have sooooo much time to care about these silly things. Ha!

Category B.2 Same as Phone friend B, but you can leave it longer than even a month. Sometimes even 3 or 4 months and they still really don’t care.

Category C: The friend who you actually only call because you feel you have to keep the friendship going. You probably have known each other for years yet have very little in common these days. You hate the thought of the call, but once you actually do it you finish up thinking ‘Why don’t I call her more often?

Category D: This is the person you love to have a big chat and gossip with, but you leave it a while between calls because you want to store up enough info for a big chinwag and a laugh. The only problem is that you keep avoiding the call as you know it will last for 5 hours and really, who has time for that this week? Or this year?

Category E: The person that you call when you are bored and lonely and waiting for something. You are either: in the car waiting for someone, at the Doctors or some other public place that prompts you to call someone rather than sit alone like a Nigel No- Friends. This is always a risky call though, because they may not answer immediately and by the time they call you back, your ‘real’ life has resumed and you no longer care too much about speaking to them.

Category D; The text only friend. You are not too fussed about speaking on the phone and arrange every meeting via text. You would rather save all of your information for the face to face meeting.

Category E: Similar to the text only friend ‘The Voice Mail Chasey friend’ is often so busy that you continue to miss each in real time but are happy to converse using short messages.

So it seems that your friends can become a general mix of a few different categories or even evolve into to different categories as life rolls on. My poor friend accidentally fell into category D and that is my excuse for not calling. My solution is to call more frequently or maybe some ‘in between’ call text messages.

I’m sure I have missed so many additional ‘Phone Friend Categories’ so feel free to add any you think of.

So what sort of Phone friend are you? Or do you think it depends on who is calling?

P.s – I know some of you have googled a picture of ‘Alfred’ from Guess Who. Was he the one you thought he was?

Remind me again why we aren’t speaking??

Many of our  great procrastinations in life come from our fear of the unknown. We spend more time worried about the 4000 things that could happen but probably won’t, as opposed to looking at the one or two possibilities that statistics would tell us are ‘most likely’. So much so that we ultimately end up in the worst possible position of having never tried anything, or always wondering ‘what if?’. So this week I decided it was time to stop ‘procrastinating’.

Over the past few months I’ve been pulled quite powerfully back to my past. Since having Sam I find myself remembering times gone by, friends who have come and gone and the moments that have shaped me and delivered me safely to this exact point in life that I like to call ‘ happy’. The confusing part about delving into the past, is remembering the great times and great people, but not quite remembering why they had to stop, or why they were no longer part of your life any more.

Two people in particular have been hanging around in my head for weeks. Two people who had played starring roles in my life, who had now dropped off my radar. I’m a big believer in ‘signs’. I believe we are constantly shown signs but we are so caught up in the blur that is life, that we miss what we are being shown. Sometimes they are subtle, and could perhaps be discounted as coincidence, but others are so violently being pushed in your face that you have to stop and take notice. This was the case for me on Thursday.

Three Years ago after the birth of my first son, I lost contact with one of my greatest friends. To this day I couldn’t pin point the exact point at which our friendship dissolved, and to be honest it is no longer relevant. The point is that this person was once my ‘other half’. She was the first person I would call most days and our plans always involved each other. It was rare that we wouldn’t call each other and say ‘what are we doing on the weekend’ It was assumed that we would be doing it together.It was in the quiet times,life’s intermissions, those moments either side of the ‘main acts’ that I would realize that I had never been able to truly  ‘fill’ that space. Whilst I am surrounded by the most wonderful people, here and interstate, I am still only half the friend that I used to be. There is still half of my opinion not shared, half of my laugh not heard and half of my heart not open, because I always am very aware that the ‘replacements’ wont ‘get me’ the way she used to.

Why when others have filled such huge shoes in your life, is it so easy to put down tools and walk away? I often thought the same about couples who had spent years together as friends who obviously liked each others company so much that they shared children, who then could then cut off all communication. It’s not right that we would give more of our time to strangers than to people you once knew so intimately. The people who have the potential to hurt us the most are the ones that hold the key to our heart…not because they want to or intend to but because if it didn’t hurt, then it means you didn’t care in the first place.

Yesterday, after a million ‘signs’ and a chat with a friend I decided to go with the statistics. My friend reminded me of two important things. 1. Walk away from a friendship when they are a priority for you, but you are only an option for them and 2. You get a few friendships in life that feel like ‘home’, so if this was one of them, then give it a shot.

I decided to email her. Really, if we weren’t speaking anyway, there was nothing to lose. If she didn’t reply, or it was no longer her email address, then I was in the same position as when I had started…still not speaking!

So I did, it. I pushed ‘send’ on an email that had been hanging in the drafts for days. It turns out her old email address was still active…..and the good news is I look forward to catching up with her properly when I’m next in Adelaide. I know our lives have changed since we last met, and I would like to think that life pulls us where we need to be in order to meet our fate…so that you attend that dinner where you will meet your future husband , or be in that room when your future boss offers you ‘that’ job. I would like to think that this was all that happened with us.

I don’t know what will come of it, or where this story will end, but even if I didn’t see her for another 10 years, It feels great to know she is there again.