‘Old Year Reminders’ for a Happy New Year

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So here I am again, late December contemplating the year ahead. I have decided that New Years Resolutions are actually just bullshit. Romantic, fairy- dust coated goals spewed out from positive little mouths right after Christmas when the world is magical and we are feeling fat and remorseful. The very idea of committing to rectify ‘wrongs’ that you will inevitably fail at doing because you’ll forget what they were by January 2nd- is just ludicrous. Yes, and maybe because I have failed to resolve any of mine from last year I have decided to move the goal posts for this little new years game. Rather than dwell on what I need to change next year in a measurable goal typed manner, I’ve decided to wait until the year has already happened to write my ‘Old Year Reminders’ and carry these through to the next year. No risk of failure this way so here they are…

1. Do not make plans to meet up with people the day after you have planned ‘Dinner and a few drinks’. As going out is more rare an occasion than Christmas itself, dinner and drinks will certainly end in you hugging your porcelain friend for most of the next day. Having your son come in for a quick look  while you’re vomiting does in fact make you as bad as the man from the responsible alcohol commercials.

2. When you say to yourself ‘oh, I’ll just pop into the shops and grab some milk’, look at your sweet little boys and remember, it can only be milk that you are getting. Do not get over confident and start thinking you can just grab body wash, bread and cheese while you are there too. Remember that if you try to push the shopping trip 30 seconds past the suggested child shopping  limits that the angelic sweet looking boys will become animals. Loud, crying, screaming animals that cannot even be contained by the offer of a Chuppa Chup.

3. Relationships that are good and healthy are reciprocal. Good people are those who are still sitting besides you when there is nothing left to take, and nothing left to gain by being with you .They sit with you because they just couldn’t bare to be anywhere else. No one is keeping score- and if they are,  it’s only so they can lend you some points when you need them.

4. Holidays just aren’t holidays any more. It doesn’t matter how lovely it all sounds when you book it in, the children will not sleep, they will become ill, you will fight with your husband and resent every additional second of sleep that they receive that you don’t and you will return needing a holiday to recover from your holiday. The children will not look as happy as they do on the brochure and you will generally have to put up with at least two hours of torture while you travel to your destination. It is okay that your favourite holiday destination has become your own bed. Invest in a good mattress topper and sheet set and really ‘live it up’.

5. Don’t ever look at your phone and ignore a call from someone because you can’t be bothered. You have no idea how important that call might be to them. Just pick up, be honest and ask if you can call them back later.

6. None of the good things in my life came about easily. Anything really worthwhile has been and will continue to be hard work.

7. Enjoy the noisy house between 4-7pm. Someday soon there will be nobody home.

8. You will always spend the dollar you were hiding in your purse in preparation for needing a  trolley at Aldi. Just buy a $2 token for your key ring and don’t risk having to line up for 99 hours to buy one before you’ve even started your shopping. (Adelaide readers have all of this excitement ahead of you, remember my wise words.)

9. Deodorant, toothpaste and toilet paper  purchased at the Reject Shop just won’t be the same. It isn’t called the Reject Shop because of its reputation for high quality goods. The deodorant will smell like your uncles pants drawer, the toothpaste will taste like feet and the you’ll be poking more fingers  through the toilet paper than you would a pair of gloves. That is one form of paper you just need to be ‘strong’.

Remember that mistakes are bound to happen in 2015. It is just about how you move forward afterwards.Happy New Year to my friends and family. I hope it is everything you need it to be.


Things you should probably know…….

Unbelievably it seems that a large proportion of people I know (and some I don’t know) find themselves in very ‘silly’ and awkward situations on a daily basis. Situations that I feel could be prevented with a little prior warning from a friend I like to call ‘Captain Obvious’.

Every day I hear another story about someone doing or saying something utterly ridiculous, and I want to slap their forehead and say ‘Come on now…did you really think that was a good idea? When was that ever going to be a ‘good idea’? I’m not ashamed to say that many times this person has been me. The following suggestions may or may not be based on true people or events.

Getting drunk at the work Christmas party and deciding that it would be best for everyone if you took on the job of telling the ‘work pest’ that they were in fact a pest, is not going to appear ‘helpful’. Also offering up suggestions for self- improvement and ‘less annoying workplace behaviours’ will not be well received.

Just a guess but he probably doesn’t really love you or want to marry you if you have never actually met him in person, he wants you to transfer $2000 before 2pm or requests you post him your nannas left kidney to a ‘secret’ overseas location.

Buying your three children Sprite Spiders as a ‘treat’ from McDonalds at 9am is probably going to cause you a great deal of grief for the rest of the day.

Driving your car to Friday night drinks and saying ‘If I decide to stay, I’ll leave my car and pick it up in the morning’ is never a good idea. You won’t even be in a fit state to pick the car up in the next week, never mind the next day and then someone will have to drive you to find it while you hold a bucket with your head out the window declaring ‘I’m never drinking again’ and reassuring the driver that you were sure ‘I left it around here somewhere’.

You will never open the new ‘large’ box of Maltesers and just have ‘a few’. You will eat 99 of them and feel as sick as a dog, but will leave 3 solitude balls rolling around just to prove to yourself you haven’t actually eaten the whole box. You will then revisit the pantry just before bed, and say to yourself ‘I may as well have those three now, just to get rid of the box’.

You will never meet the ‘fake friend who you awkwardly bump into again at the shops’ for a coffee. You will pretend that you don’t already have their number as some sort of crappy way out of admitting you just haven’t called them. You will both know that it will not be happening, but will still both actually spend the next agonizing few minutes frantically putting in numbers that are already in your phone.

If you leave the house with no makeup, dirty track pant, no underwear or hairy legs or toes, you will be spotted by someone. You may not realise it at the time, but two weeks later someone will say ‘Hey I saw you at the shops last week, but you looked busy so I didn’t stop you’. This actually means ‘You looked like you had been involved in some type of terrible trauma, I didn’t know where to look.

Your car does not have magic windows. Just because you are driving does not suddenly make you invisible, everyone CAN and will see you when you pick your nose. You are not protected by a ‘nose picking amnesty shield’ have some shame.

Just a thought……………………………………………


Things that made me laugh@….the bar


After two failed attempts at re-living my ‘Party Days’ I have decided to take off my heels, sling them over my shoulder and call it a day. (then go home and put on my grey trackpants and my husband’s socks) Those who now me may say why? You’re still young? Well after two nights out in the last few weeks, I’ve seen enough to keep me going for another few years.


So here they are…the things that made me laugh @………………. The bar


Farting, Drunk Courtesan :  My friend and I were approached on a Dodgy nightclub dance floor by a man who was so drunk he had involuntary eye closure, and a shoulder that had obviously fallen victim to his nineteenth beer and was now scraping the floor. The drunk shoulder sloping was so profound that you did even look down at his hand to see what he was holding. He then piped up with his most charming slur ‘ Waaaart are yeeeewwwww two ladies doin on ya own?’ To which we informed him our husbands were at the bar. He then released the most vicious and vile fart, staggered on the spot, then blamed us for the said fart, referred to us as ‘stinky’ then left the scene of the crime. Now I know we are no longer the ‘Belle’s of the ball, but I also don’t believe we have hit our ‘fartworthy’ years either.


Young 18 year old on her first night out: You’ve seen her. She’s never really been out, never even really watched Video Hits because of the partial nudity. Just started her Bachelor of Arts, borrowed her mums red frock and hasn’t quite worked out how to dress in the city. Dancing provocatively but in a ‘I’ve just escaped the cult and I’m making up for lost time’ type of way. It was so bad, but for some reason you just had to keep watching. Should we stop her? Or should we buy her another drink?


3. Over confident, underwhelming middle aged man who after being turned down, gets nasty and calls you a stuck up cow. Mmmm….or we just have no reason to speak with you? There are certain conversations in life that can easily be identified as pointless, meaning you can tell pretty early that you will gain nothing from the interaction so are better off putting it down quickly. A bit like a much loved family pet, it is more humane to stop the pain immediately, rather than listen to dribble for the next ten minutes only to have it all end up in tears.


4. Over apologetic drink spiller: Pretty self -explanatory. Spills fourteen litres of beer on your foot then spends the next 20 minutes apologizing in fear a fight will break out.


5. Under apologetic drink spiller: More annoying than his over apologetic counterpart because they are more upset about having to line back up at the bar again than they are about turning your top into a possible candidate for a wet t-shirt competition.


5. 50 year old woman who has been separated from work colleague’s but is having such a great time decides to find ‘new mates’ so she doesn’t have to go home. It doesn’t really matter who they are or how old they are but proceeds to tell them how much she loves them.


6. Drunk friend: The one who reveals intimate embarrassing details about their innermost feelings but who will have no memory of even eating her entrée at the dinner beforehand. Usually followed up by a regretful, early morning text which they hope will give some indication to the extent of their behaviour ‘I hope I wasn’t too bad last night?’ I ‘m sure we have all been this person.


I admit It was fun. I still love to get dressed up and have a dance with the girls. But now I fear my fun is had at the expense of others, when years ago…it was me spilling the drinks. I also look at my husband and feel so lucky that I no longer have to prowl the night scene looking for love, because let’s face it, most people are just out looking for that someone special and this is why they turn into vulnerable embarrassing humans, because love makes you vulnerable. This is why going out partying loses its glamour when you’ve already found him or her and they are a million times better than anyone you will meet at a bar (unless of course you did meet at a bar). I look beside me (or will when he gets home) and feel content that we have already found each other. I love him when he’s here and miss him when he’s gone. (Just in case he does read this on his way home, I’ll already be asleep….. I love him even more when he sorts the kids out in the morning and lets me sleep)




Memories: A tribute to smelly feet and pink coats

The best thing about memories, is that they are your own. Despite a group of people being in the same place at the very same time, each person will walk away with a slightly different take on the day. Some will remember it forever as it was , some will forget it and some will exaggerate it so much, it ends up sounding more like an Enid Blyton story than a real life event.

In the minutes before my husband gets home from work, there is a sense of excitement that builds. We hear the gate open and my eldest son runs to the door in preparation for his cuddle. My husband bursts through the door looking exhausted, picks up his boy, kisses him, holds him upside down for a bit while the son screams for dear life. He then comes to kiss me and then our baby, while the eldest jumps about under his feet demanding more of his attention.The laughing, chasing and tickling goes on for the next half hour as they run around together upstairs while dad gets changed into his comfy after-work uniform’ (grey trackies and a hoody).  I’ll shout up a few times telling them not to jump on the beds, or to ‘calm down’ while I start making the dinner and trying to quickly have a glass of wine by myself.

The other night in the middle of this chaos, it dawned on me that this daily ritual would be remembered by our children well after we had gone. That the things we are doing right now, in this very moment could be the things that our boys remember about us, and their childhood. The boys would remember the smell of their dad’s after shave lingering in the bathroom in the hours after he had left the house and how his socks smelt like cat wee after soccer training. They would remember him letting them use the shower head to water the imaginary flowers, and they will remember him taking them out on little walks without their pants or shoes on.

I was inspired to write about memories after reading a post by a fellow Blogger, who after being diagnosed with Early Onset Alzheimers decided to record her memories before she forgot them. Yesterday she wrote so beautifully about spending the day with her daughter (Check it out it’s called …Before I forget …..http://mrshsgreen.wordpress.com) . It got me to thinking about the things I would remember about my own mum after she had gone:

Her Pink coat. She hasn’t worn it for years, but we will always remember her walking through the door in her bright pink coat…really was a tragic fashion error on her behalf and lets face it…pink only goes with….well actually not much.

Her Smelly feet. I’m really not even exaggerating here but they have to be smelt to be believed. After countless creams, washing, detergent, acid and bleach…the fact remains that you could be 3 rooms away and still know when she has moved her little toe as the stenchy waft of ‘mum feet smell’ finds it’s way to your nostrils.

Forgetfulness: Perhaps the most forgetful person I have ever come across. This used to be a huge source of annoyance for me, but the older I get the more I realize I am becoming like her and will probably be worse.

Her terrible hangovers.  Without making her sound like a candidate for A.A, Mum has always enjoyed a festive drink. She would spend many Saturday afternoons, stuck under a blanket with a 2 litre bottle of Soda water, water crackers and cheese swirl after one too many Chardonnay’s. There would be no  movement until at least 2pm on these ‘hung over days’. and you always knew that dinner that night would be a greasy takeaway. This is another thing I have inherited…terrible hangovers!

I will always remember Christmas’ with my mum. She was and still is Mrs Christmas.  I’m not even sure if she personally loves it or just loves making it magical for those around her. The food, the music, the same magnetic fishing game with the tiny rod every year until well into our twenties.

She really  is a bit like a female Jesus- minus the miracles and crucifixion. She has always loved without expecting anything in return. The most forgiving person I have ever met and if she could heal paraplegics I’m sure she would give it a good go. She hasn’t quite mastered walking on water, but she does do a cute penguin shuffle when she tries to walk too quickly.

Despite what mum wants us to remember about her…we will choose her legacy for ourselves.

See the thing is, it doesn’t matter how much money you spend on trying to create memories for your children. It won’t matter what fancy holidays you took or the expensive shoes you did or didn’t buy for them…it will be the free, unrehearsed, untouched moments that they will remember. For the lucky ones it will be a a childhood filled with love, laughter and having to wear No Brand sneakers when all you wanted was Nikes, and for the not so lucky, and god knows they are great in number, childhood memories will be filled with fear, pain and uncertainty.

I don’t think many people know the exact point at which they have made a happy ‘memory’. But wouldn’t it be nice to know, just so you could freeze it, and truly enjoy being in that moment for a little while before it passes . We can’t manufacture what our children will remember about growing up. They will take with them what they will…but we can try and give them an abundance of happy times to choose from.

Make every interaction count. Always give them their moment in time. Even if they are asking you that annoying question for the tenth time…give them their moment. It might just be the one they take with them.Image